I have a soft spot for third wheels. Being around them is like experiencing only the annoying parts of a puppy, and none of the cuteness. It’s just a sad situation all around. But unfortunately third wheels tend to be oblivious, and are rarely able to self-identify. Well, it’s tough love time, kids: inspired by the newly released French film, Our Children—a tale of a husband, wife, and some other guy who won’t leave—we’re highlighting some classic third-wheel scenarios in the hope that you can avoid playing this awkward role in your own life. The good news is that if you do find yourself playing the third, there’s a simple solution: take yourself out of the equation.
Ghost
If you are dead, you are decidedly a third-wheel. Even if there are three other people in the room, your deadness trumps the number, and you are automatically the odd one out. Maybe you’re trying to wrap up some mysterious unfinished business or maintain a relationship with the love of your life. But your life is over, buddy. It’s time to go into the light and let Demi find someone else to ruin her clay pot projects.
Chasing Amy
Here’s what happens when you add a third wheel to a perfectly good bicycle: the most uncomfortable ending in any romantic comedy, ever. It’s a contemporary classic, but the last time I tried to watch this film I turned it off after 80 minutes in a fit of cringing. Do not let this happen in your actual life. Either the girlfriend or the best friend has to back down every once in a while, or you’re going to wind up riding a very awkward tricycle.
Pretty In Pink
I love third wheels, but I hate Duckie. Yuck. Just go home, Duckie. Your best friend can’t even look at you without rolling her eyes. Granted, she rolls them every 4.5 seconds regardless of context, but man, she rolls them extra hard at you. Some people just march to the beat of their own drummer, and those types are sexy outsiders. But Duckie, you look like you’re trying to march, but you can’t even find the rhythm.
Your Sister’s Sister
If the title of the movie is Your Sister’s Sister, then something isn’t right. I’m down for a good old-fashioned love triangle, but someone’s going to wind up as the Brian Krakow in this scenario—bitter, un-laid, and losing dignity by the minute. Whether you’re the sister or the sister’s sister, one of you needs to head off with your head high and take yourself to a movie or something.
My Best Friend’s Wedding
Here’s another situation where the title tells you what you need to know. It’s your best friend’s wedding, lady. That plants you firmly on the sidelines, so get off the field and get out of the white dress. You’re a lot less quirky-cute than you think you are. It’s good advice for anyone attending a wedding to realize you’re not the star of the show, but if you’re having trouble with that, just ask your gay best friend—he’s used to third-wheeling it, in every movie he’s in.
Kelsey Miller works in media and is the co-editor of The Pudding.
